Gok Wan

Fuck off you ridonkulously fake camp, breast obsessed, ex-obese fucking douche. You're not cool. It is not cool to buy shit clothes, cut them up and make new clothes out of them. Unless you're Sonic Youth. But you are most certainly not. You've made your money, had your fun, fucked a lot of guys, squeezed more tits than I could ever believe possible. And I hate you. Fuck You. Fuck You in the vagina.

Frydaze

So I'm pretty bored/hung over at work and need time to pass so I thought we could all play the douchebag film game. So you basically think of a film and replace one of the words in the title with either douche or douchebag. It's a pretty stoopid game but surprisingly addictive!

So here it goes:

The Douchefather
Douchebag on the Moon
Eternal Sunshine and the Spotless Douche

Jade Goody

Notice that I avoided using a recent picture of Jade.

That's because I feel sorry for her and her family (especially her two young boys now they've only got their cabbie bothering father to 'look after' them whilst he embezzles all her money - remember Macauly Culkin) that she has died at such a young age. It must be very upsetting for them. Now notice that I said them. Because this is a double hit douche.

Jade Goody was a fucking idiot. There, I said it, it's out there and I don't want to take it back, even if I could. I have always disliked slaggy, idiotic, loud-mouthed trollops, whom of which Jade was the Queen. Aside from the obvious sniping at 'East Angular - is that a foreign country', 'Shilpa Popadom' and the phrase that will ruin every time you see a vagina from now on 'Oh no! You can see my kebab!' (for our readers less up to speed, these really are things that she said) she was a nothing, a Reality TV Star. She lived, and became famous for it. REALLY FUCKING FAMOUS. 

Books were made. Documentaries filmed. TV appearances...appeared on. I'm not blaming her for this at all, to be quite honest, she can't be as thick as I think if she managed to exploit all you gullible fuckers who watched it all, read it all and sucked it all up like lambs thirsty for idiot juice.

My problem with Jade is not that she was famous, that's your fault. It's just the fact that she was an idiot that I take umbridge with. She is a douche in the purest sense of the word. 

My second doucheing goes to you. You people who sucked up her shit and ripped the piss out of her whilst she was alive and well, being a slightly racist idiot, but all of a sudden, as soon as she's sick, you treat her like Mother-fucking Theresa.

 

And EVERYBODY hated her. Everyone without doubt would slag her off on anything she appeared on. WITH. OUT. DOUBT. 

And now you want to make a film about her life. Douche. 

Do me a favour. Don't turn up to her funeral like she's Princess Diana; (douche) with flowers and tears and funny knitted dolls or some gay shit like that. Just stay at home, maybe watch someone be born on TV, or some plastic surgery, maybe watch a person you don't know get some people to look at houses for them, only not to buy a house  (Relocation, Relocation/Property Ladder - douche).

Ponytails

So why would some men think they would look better with a ponytail? (Apart from black people cause they can make anything look cool, even ponytails) Here are some examples why they're not tho...

I mean Zardoz is a fucking sick film, but Sean what the fuck!?! You look like a Greek rapist.

Well Pierce Brosnan, you have always been the shitest James Bond in my eyes, so you couldn't possibly lose any more respect with that Pocahontas hair.

Ok Jet Li, so you could probably break my face in half if I insulted you in person for having a ponytail. But I don't think you could ever find me... so you've got a ponytail and you're bald? Nice

Three Douches

I've observed this blog for a while. Now, like someone standing in the background, watching an orgy, I've finally decided to join in. Basically, I'm making my first post on the Daily Douche...

What do I bring to the table? Well, on this occasion I bring to you a tale of three douches. Their various stories involve crime, murder and suicide. But the main thing they all share is that all three are douches of the highest order.

1. 'Deathbed confession' man charged.

This is great. So you're dying. You know you don't have long left in this mortal coil, but something's eating away at you inside. You murdered your neighbour, way back in 1977 and nobody knows. In order to avoid hell, fire, brimstone, damnation and all that good stuff, you decide to confess. Might as well, not like they can do anything to you now, right? Wrong. The guy makes a miraculous recovery and faces (ironically) the death penalty. What a douche.

2. Gang leader accidentally blows his brains out during drink and drugs party.

Sorry to descend into national stereotyping in my first ever post, but if ever an Irishman conformed to the typical portrayal of Irish IQ, this is it. At a party, this gangster starts showing people how to kill somebody using his Glock 9. The guy takes the magazine out, but forgets there's still one in the chamber. He pulls the trigger and he kills himself. Game over. I'm trying to think of an Irish joke to make, but I'm coming up short. I'd welcome any suggestions. The luck of the Irish seems inappropriate.

3. Man wrongly jailed for 27 years walks free...and is hit by a taxi.

(I'd like to make it clear that I do not usually make a habit of visitng the Daily Mail website. But is does have a lot of douches).

This is probably my favourite. Mr Hodgson was wrongly jailed for a murder he did not commit. He spent 27 years in a cell on a miscarriage of justice. I sympathise with the guy, it's obviously pretty bad. He finally gets out and justice is restored. But he gets hit by a cab and ends up needing face stitches.

'His solicitor said the accident was just one example of how difficult it was for Mr Hodgson to adjust to life on the outside after nearly three decades behind bars.' What?! You don't have to adjust to the fact that being hit by a taxi is a bad idea!

There you have it, a tale of three douches. Until next time.

Mr M $$$

The i(am a cock)Phone

BEHOLD! The most contrived piece of shitty technology ever which manages to divide the world in two: douches, and people that don't own iPhones.

An example of a typical conversation with an iPhone user: 

"Hey have you seen what [ridiculously pointless app] can do? Look it looks like I'm drinking a beer"

"No it doesn't, it looks like you're tipping your phone into your mouth and an animation is being shown in which the 'beer' is vanishing"

"No, I'm really cyber-drinking - look, SuperMonkeyBall, and it tilts!"

"Yeah that's pretty clever, but, you know, it's a bit like the Wii but smaller, no? Aren't you going to be embarrassed waving your hands about in the air like a girl playing a motor-racing game?"

On top of the piece of shit actively taking over the minds of its users to make them suddenly love playing that stupid fuckin Copter game we all used to play in Rising-5s, the camera is shitty, the call quality is shitty, there's barely any memory on it to store anything once you've downloaded the 400-million apps that you 'need', and when you eventually do get around to listening to some music, the music quality is shitty unless you buy a pair of really expensive headphones and have Geddy Lee strapped to your back thrumming out the basslines.

Hasselhoff

Ok, so it's pretty clear David Hasselhoff is probably the biggest douche bag on the planet. He is insanely narcissistic and self-obsessed, writes pretty dreadful pop songs and most famously made a killing by objectifying women on mainstream TV, and the world has never looked back since. But I have to say I kinda like him, he's a funny guy even though it might not be intentional. So there's basically shit loads of Hoff-clips on the net, whether it be one of his music videos, a broadband advert or one of David and a crocodile in a jelly wrestling match. However there is one piece of footage that stands out more than any other, and that is his historic performance during the collapse of the Berlin Wall.

So imagine the scenario. Some forty odd years of separation, some families literally torn in half. Tyranny and oppression, with extensive surveillance penetrating the most private spaces of ones life. Then comes the day when the wall falls and guess who's standing on the other side? Yes my friend, The Hoff singing his number one hit 'I've been Looking for Freedom'. Haven't these poor people suffered enough? Well one (or two?) members of the crowd expressed their rage through fireworks...

People Who Join a Blog and Don't Contribute

Why join?

Surely something must annoy you? Surely I'm annoying you right now with this ridiculous amount of posts in half an hour.

Spotify

It pretends it's good with the live-streaming of entire albums, but if I'm interrupted by THE SCRIPT one more time whilst trying to get down to some Slayer or Ludacris, then I am going to go Ape-Shit.

Also, what the hell happened to a think called recommendations?! Everything has reccomendations nowadays, sort it out. Oh wait, you think I'd like these tracks, what've we got here...oh yeah I can't wait to listen to The Climb by Miley goddamn Slut-rus.

Not having anything to rant about

Why the fuck can't I get annoyed at anyone, or rather why is there nothing I can get annoyed at that means enough to be posted on here? It'd be fine if you all worked in my office. Then you could see the shit I have to put up with, the fifteen times I have to tell someone how to use the photocopier, or how to send an email, or how not to pass out by remembering to breathe.

But you don't work in my office. Partly becasue my office is way fucking better than your office - look at the shit I've got on my desk. I also get to read books pretty much all day, and talk to insane people on the telephone.

Because you don't work in my office, you don't care about what happens in it. You'd rather think about what's the best way to play Peggle without anyone finding out. The feeling is mutual. So it's pointless douching that.

What else...Tower Ham-fucking-lets Council. Who decide to charge ridiculous amounts of council tax even though I earn no money, and the only good thing I've seen happen around my area is that they're putting an extension on the court. Why? So that can convict more petty criminals who will just pay their £50 back at a £1 per month rate until they forget about it? Yes, that's exactly why. The Court is a fucking hole. Pete Doherty used to hang around on a regular basis, but now he's all clean, he doesn't get arrested, either that or he's too rich or uncool that the police don't want to be seen with him. I vote for number two. For christ-sakes, it took them at least two weeks to take a bin down from the top of a bus-stop that some kids had chucked up there, and when they did it, they CORDONED OFF THE AREA.

I'm starting to sound like a Daily Mail reader.

Vive le Murdoch.

p.s. did you see how rambling and incoherent this post was? That's because I'm so short of things to do that I was actively trying to make things which don't annoy me that much, annoy me a whole lot. Maybe I really should read the Daily Mail.

I Don't Mind Mondays

See everyone goes on about how much they don't like Mondays. I personally think the worst day of the week is Sunday as you spend the entire day thinking about Monday, like a 16 hour version of the moment before a drop on a roller coaster you don't wanna be on, and I fucking hate roller coasters.

The annoying thing is when anyone mentions Mondays and the fact that they don't like 'em, and then I automatically think of Bob Geldorf(?) and that shit song, and then I start thinking about his failed offspring who I dislike yet I have no idea of what they look like, and then I think about charities and how little I care about them, and then I think about his stupid face which reminds me to go onto YouTube to watch the music video which I detest. Then I find out that it is blocked for UK viewers!?! so I have to settle for a live version of the song performed at Live Aid.

Seriously why would you put on a charity gig and then put yourself down on the bill? (0r put on a gig and then call it a charity event) Oh yeah cause no one else would wanna book you in the first place, pretty clever actually... That is until the fucking announcer cant even get the band name right, behold Bob Geldof and the Boomtown RAT.

Go Home

Can somebody please tell me what the fuck this is?

Heelys are like the modern version of those idiot LA GEAR trainers that everyone (apart from me) had when they were kids. I didn't care that Kareem Abdul Jabaar wore them, they sucked. But then they disappeared and all was well again in the world. Kids wore Reebok Classics, or Nike AirMax. Shoes were once again worth stabbing someone for.

But now it's returned. Look at those people in the picture. Why would any self-respecting adult want to go near a pair of these shoes. They have no redeeming features - they're ugly, they make you look like a prick as you seemingly float down the street, waiting for that one piece of gravel that'll fuck up your day and make Linkin Park hate you more than they already do.

You could just tell though, that this was going to happen - look at the douchebags in the back. Caps on backwards. Are you either a) Lawrence of Arabia or b) a founding member of Cypress Hill? No.

Even this little girl looks like a fucking dick for wearing these things - gliding around like she owns the white room in the Matrix - you don't little girl, you don't own shit apart from some stupid, ugly fuck shoes with a little idiot of a wheel coming out the heel. Buy some rollerblades. Buy a skateboard. In fact, buy these.

Not you little girl. Your mum.

Are The Kids Really Alrite?

So I went to Berlin on holiday last year and I came across these weird kids. I remember seeing them whilst sitting by the Alexanderplatz fountain with a 1 litre bottle of pineapple juice and a bag of paprika flavoured crisps, desperately trying to cure my hangover from the previous night. At this very painful moment these stomping retards were showing of their "skills" outside McDonalds, seems like prepubescent teens gathering outside shitty fast food restaurants is a global phenomenon... Anyway it was in the middle of the afternoon on a Saturday and these kids appeared to be absolutely sober and drug free, which is quite amazing considering how brain damaged they looked.

So I think they call the genre Shuffle, it's kinda like minimal tech crossed with Scooter, whilst the fashion style is sort of chav meets mid 90s hip-hop. I can't see this catching on anywhere else because it is simply put, shit. Although it's fucking hilarious to watch, like watching man sized pigeons having an epileptic fit. If this sounds appealing to you and you're in Berlin then go on down to Alexanderplatz during the weekend for some free afternoon entertainment.

UPDATE

Seems Shufflers like to remove their work of youtube so here's some more crazy shuffle crap.

Pesto

What's the deal with this guy? Why is he repeating himself? We heard him the first time.

A Complete Catch

So the backstory is: guy meets girl, gets her number etc...

Listen to Dimitri the Stud here