Jade Goody

Notice that I avoided using a recent picture of Jade.

That's because I feel sorry for her and her family (especially her two young boys now they've only got their cabbie bothering father to 'look after' them whilst he embezzles all her money - remember Macauly Culkin) that she has died at such a young age. It must be very upsetting for them. Now notice that I said them. Because this is a double hit douche.

Jade Goody was a fucking idiot. There, I said it, it's out there and I don't want to take it back, even if I could. I have always disliked slaggy, idiotic, loud-mouthed trollops, whom of which Jade was the Queen. Aside from the obvious sniping at 'East Angular - is that a foreign country', 'Shilpa Popadom' and the phrase that will ruin every time you see a vagina from now on 'Oh no! You can see my kebab!' (for our readers less up to speed, these really are things that she said) she was a nothing, a Reality TV Star. She lived, and became famous for it. REALLY FUCKING FAMOUS. 

Books were made. Documentaries filmed. TV appearances...appeared on. I'm not blaming her for this at all, to be quite honest, she can't be as thick as I think if she managed to exploit all you gullible fuckers who watched it all, read it all and sucked it all up like lambs thirsty for idiot juice.

My problem with Jade is not that she was famous, that's your fault. It's just the fact that she was an idiot that I take umbridge with. She is a douche in the purest sense of the word. 

My second doucheing goes to you. You people who sucked up her shit and ripped the piss out of her whilst she was alive and well, being a slightly racist idiot, but all of a sudden, as soon as she's sick, you treat her like Mother-fucking Theresa.

 

And EVERYBODY hated her. Everyone without doubt would slag her off on anything she appeared on. WITH. OUT. DOUBT. 

And now you want to make a film about her life. Douche. 

Do me a favour. Don't turn up to her funeral like she's Princess Diana; (douche) with flowers and tears and funny knitted dolls or some gay shit like that. Just stay at home, maybe watch someone be born on TV, or some plastic surgery, maybe watch a person you don't know get some people to look at houses for them, only not to buy a house  (Relocation, Relocation/Property Ladder - douche).

Go Home

Can somebody please tell me what the fuck this is?

Heelys are like the modern version of those idiot LA GEAR trainers that everyone (apart from me) had when they were kids. I didn't care that Kareem Abdul Jabaar wore them, they sucked. But then they disappeared and all was well again in the world. Kids wore Reebok Classics, or Nike AirMax. Shoes were once again worth stabbing someone for.

But now it's returned. Look at those people in the picture. Why would any self-respecting adult want to go near a pair of these shoes. They have no redeeming features - they're ugly, they make you look like a prick as you seemingly float down the street, waiting for that one piece of gravel that'll fuck up your day and make Linkin Park hate you more than they already do.

You could just tell though, that this was going to happen - look at the douchebags in the back. Caps on backwards. Are you either a) Lawrence of Arabia or b) a founding member of Cypress Hill? No.

Even this little girl looks like a fucking dick for wearing these things - gliding around like she owns the white room in the Matrix - you don't little girl, you don't own shit apart from some stupid, ugly fuck shoes with a little idiot of a wheel coming out the heel. Buy some rollerblades. Buy a skateboard. In fact, buy these.

Not you little girl. Your mum.